Warning: This is not a typical Boy Mama Teacher Mama post you are about to read. I wrote this as part of Picklebum’s “Real Life Wednesday” series which I love to write for. Click the link if you want to read more about “Real Life Wednesday” and read on if you dare…. 🙂
Real life hit hard today. Some days are better than other days. And some days just suck. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world- like I am super-mom and can do it all and more. Then, there are other days when getting out of bed in the morning takes every bit of energy I have and the thought of facing two young kids and the day ahead is almost unbearable. I have these days. I always wonder if other people have these kinds of days too. Days when you feel like the only thing in the world that will make you feel better is to sit with a dear friend and cry and talk until the hurt and the sadness go away, but other days the thought of letting someone “in” is too much, too scary and takes too much energy so I just dive deeper into myself. But as a mom you really cannot have these kinds of days, can you? Not like before kids when you could stay in bed all day and and allow yourself to be one with these feelings. With kids, you HAVE to get up. You HAVE to make them breakfast and you HAVE to get them to school. There are too many “have-to-do’s” when you are mom for those kinds of days. And today was one of those kinds of days. I did all the have-to-do’s and I did them with a smile painted on my face but, inside, I was drowning. I was coming apart and was afraid I would just melt into nothing, but I HAD to keep it together. I HAD to smile. I HAD to stay afloat. I could not melt away. When my youngest went down for his nap, I laid myself down in my bed, surrounded by my two snoring pugs, put a pillow over my head and sank into that “place” for just a while. It felt good to be there for a bit. To feel those feelings and not HAVE to hide them away from the world. To melt just a bit felt good. But then the alarm went off and all the “have-to-do’s” were there again. I HAD to get up, I HAD to wake my youngest and I HAD to get my son from school. And I did. And, now as my son lays sleeping beside me I am allowing those feelings to creep back in, but instead of taking them to my bed or sinking deep, deep inside them, I am writing them down hoping that this task of writing will keep me from sinking too deep or hurting too much. I am hoping because there is one big, important “want-to-do” as well. I WANT to be a good mom for my boys.
This post is dedicated to K.C. Love you friend!
© Boy Mama Teacher Mama 2012
All Rights Reserved
Man, thank you for your honesty Stephanie, truly remarkable to put it out there, it took a lot of courage, and I’m sure it felt really good to let it out 🙂 I think you have pushed me once step closer to sharing my similar secret thoughts on my blog, my everyday struggle with PPD. I kinda want to write about it & kinda don’t, I don’t know if I have the courage. So, thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing with all of us, you are not alone in your “have-to-do’s” 🙂
xx melissa @ mamamiss
Thank you for your comment. Yes, it was pretty scary putting it out there for the world. I know this is a cliche of sorts, but quite a few have said the same as you. If I open the door for one person or help one person not feel so alone then it is all worth it. Don’t you think? I imagine PPD and chronic depression are similar so I understand your struggle. If you do write it, let me know and I will be there for you!
I said the same thing to my hubs. That if my clarity on a good day can inspire or help someone, that will overcome the fear & embarrassment I might feel in putting it out there. It is definitely a daily struggle, I suffered from depression as a teen but it wasn’t until the 2nd baby at the ripe old age of 35 that I realized it, and sought treatment. Thanks for your encouraging words – rocks for each other mama – I got your back too 🙂
Wow. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I would never had the courage to put it out here for all to read and judge. Thank you for being so brave and honest. It is a comfort to know others feel this way too. I am a single parent (by choice) of a 4 mo and 21 mo old boys. I feel guilty the times I just wish for a little break or think I might go insane.
I’ve recently started following your blog and love your stories and ideas. Thank you!
Thanks for your honestly as well! It is a tough place to be and I am glad that you do not feel alone now. I am happy you are here at BMTM. Check in again soon!
Wow, Im happy to know that there are others that feel the way I do. I vow to make an effort to make time for me, just for me. No chores, no cleaning, no kid friendly activities. This will make me a happy Mom, a better Mom.
We need it.
Thanks for the post
Thanks for sharing Rose. I think your vow is wonderful. I truly hope that you are able to get some of that “me” time and it helps make you a happier mom!
Oh yes, I totally have those days…
Those days when I feel stretched so thin… when I just want to run away…
But we keep going because that is what a parent does, or tries to do at least… because we love our kids.
But I hope we all get to take at least a moment and be kind to ourselves, remind ourselves that it is ok to hurt, ok to take time out occasionally…
Thank you my friend. We will both get ourselves up and moving today because we love our kids and because even on those days when we just want to go “in ourselves” we know there are strong loving friends standing just outside waiting to give us a hug.